IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Every night, in the middle of the night, when her husband falls asleep, she climbs out of bed and goes into the guest room. Before he falls asleep, she lays awake, eyes wide open, waiting until she hears the gentle snoring and feels him relax. Finally, she can get away.

They do it for the children--go to bed together. He has no trouble sleeping but somehow feeling him beside her makes her feel tense and afraid. When he finally slumbers, she literally feels her body melt into relaxation, her shoulders loosen, her breathing become deeper; she can escape.

During the day, they also keep up the charade. Ask the requisite questions about their daily activities. Neither one particularly cares, but they gamely play mommy and daddy. He never has anything to say. She used to have lots (and lots) to say but when she realized he wasn't listening, she stopped talking. It was sad when she realized that she'd call her friends first with exciting news about herself or the children. Sometimes she wouldn't even tell him because he was always distracted.

Of course, she can't sleep in the guest room so she ends up, always, at the computer. She wants to write a novel and has manic writing spurts where she churns out several chapters in a night. But when she reads them, she wonders if they would be remotely interesting to anyone but herself.

Her feelings are in her writing, essence woven into the words, voice unmistakable, loneliness palpable. The humor is there but the astute reader sees what lies beneath. Her book is uncomfortable to read so she gives it to no one.

During the day, she's out and about, chatting with friends, having lunch, participating in her many activities, hanging with her boys, involved in lengthy phone conversations. She loves going out, being part of a group, is energized by the interaction.

However, in the middle of the night, she's oftentimes churning out voluminous emails. Frenzied, stream of consciousness emails filled with stories she has to tell, questions she must have answered--they can't wait until the morning. All jumbled and annoyingly punctuated with CAPITAL LETTERS and exclamation points, the nightly missives likely exasperate the recipients no end, exhaust them even. She presses send/receive over and over to see who answers. It's the first thing she does each morning. If her emails aren't answered almost immediately, her insecurity sets in. What does she need? Or want?

In the middle of the night she wishes she could sleep. But sleep doesn't come.